Subes for life!

Breaking news, I have discovered the coveted secret method for stealing large amounts of goods from Walmart*.

It’s one of those ubiquitous shopping options for rural communities — along with Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Family Dollar, Discount Dollar, etc., etc. — but one that also usually welcomes nomads and travelers to crash in their parking lot overnight. They hope the campers will stop and shop and all that, and they make their restrooms and parking lot available for those in need.

Nice!

But what they don’t realize is the massive amount of free merch walking out their doors.

Now, you can do the old self-checkout scam where not all items get scanned correctly (or, at all!), or you can keep an old Walmart receipt to flash at the security person and hope they don’t check it against what’s actually in the bag.

Or, do like I do.

It’s easy.

It works.

Here’s the secret: just be an entitled white male of a certain age, and walk around like you own the place. They most likely probably do think you own the place. Then, do your self checkout any way you friggin’ feel like it, and walk out the doors like you have places to go and people to see**.

The security person will nod and smile, and wish you a great day.

I will nod and smile, and wish them the same.

The POC family behind you? They will be stopped and searched. The teenagers who are glued to their phones and giggling nonstop? They will be stopped and searched. The disheveled unhoused dude shuffling away? He will be stopped and searched. The single-mom with screaming kids? She will be stopped and searched.

But you, my friend. You will walk out with full bags and full wallet.

Just waltz out that door.

So now you know.

Be a 50-something white male. Be courteous. Smile like you know the guard personally and would take the time to inquire about the wife and kids if you had a second to linger.

You are safe here.

The merch is free.

Welcome to Walmart!

*I don’t shoplift, at Walmart or any other store. This post is more of a social commentary than a “how-to” guide. YMMV.

**You may need to give a vague wave of something resembling a receipt, so it helps if you have a scrap of paper with you, but often it’s not necessary.